I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
