Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
