I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Jerry, you need to find god
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I'm getting married
To pizza
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
