i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I need moral support for this bender
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
