I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
