So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
