between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
We need a shit load of segways right now
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize