Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Randomize
