Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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