The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
