my phone needs a breathalizer
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
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