Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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