I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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