My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
