Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
