it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize