I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
