So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize