When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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