Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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