Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
