Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
