i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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