I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
