I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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