dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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