My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize