I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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