I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
