you didnt know i had herpes?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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