If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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