No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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