This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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