just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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