I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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