I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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