i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
