It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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