My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
