I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
