yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
