btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
