Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
