i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
