so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
