I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
