In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
