The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
