I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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