You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Randomize
