My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
