I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
