Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
