I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
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