The maid of honor just puked.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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