What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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