I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
