The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
