Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
