don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I could fuck to npr.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
