i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
