Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
