The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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