I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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