I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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