I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
