im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
not ubering you a puppy
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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