u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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