you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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