I'm gonna have a badass scar
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
