You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
