My liver just broke up with me...
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
