Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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