it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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