u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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