just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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