this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
