Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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