What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
